The real lyrics were:
C'mon party people put your hands in the air
C'mon party people wave em like you don't care

But I misheard them as:
C'mon party people, throw your hands in the air,
C'mon party people, like your monkey don't care

A blonde bought an a.m. radio and it took her a month to find out she could listen to it at night.

A little boy goes up to his mom and asks, "Mommy, is God a boy or a girl?" The mother replies, "God is both a boy and a girl."
The boy then says, "Mommy is God gay or straight?" The mom replies, "God is both gay and straight."
The boy then asks, "Is god black or white?" She says, "God is both black and white."
The boy thinks about all this for a moment and asks, "Is God Michael Jackson?"

The three remaining members of Pink Floyd get in a car wreck and all three die. They are standing in front of the Pearly Gates when St. Peter comes up and says, ''Oh, Hi guys! We've been expecting you. Your really going to love it here, this is a great place and did you know that we even have our own band? We have Elvis Presley singing, Hendrix is playing guitar, Sinatra is on piano and Roger Waters, your old bandmate, is writing lyrics for us!''

St. Peter leans over and whispers in his ear. ''It's really God, but he thinks he's Roger Waters!''

Q:What do you get when Dolly Parton does the backstroke?
A:Islands In The Stream.

Britney Spears had just bought her new car and decided to go shopping with her friend and rival, Christina Aguilera. A few hours later she came out and realizes she had locked her keys in the car, so they spent a few hours pacing around the car trying to figure out what to do.

Finally, Britney looked off into the distance and saw storm cloud. She turned to her friend and said," Quick, think of something because a storm is coming and I left the top open!"

Q:How many guitar players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:Two: One to change the lightbulb, the other to say, "I can do that."

Q:How do you know if Dr. Dre has a high sperm count?
A:Eminem has to chew before swallowing

Q: How many lead guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. The guitarist holds the bulb and the world revolves around him!

Q:What is 200 feet long and has no pubic hair?
A:The front row at an 'N Sync concert.

Q:What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Casper?
A:One is pale and scares kids and the other is a friendly ghost.

Q:What's the difference between Mick Jagger and the friend of a lonely Scotsman?
A:Mick Jagger says "Hey, you, get off of my cloud!" And the friend of a lonely Scotsman says "Hey, McLeod, get off my ewe!"

A musician dies and goes to Heaven. The admitting angel tells him he's really going to enjoy the afterlife, and he has some great news for him, but there's also a downside. He asks to hear the good news first. Well, says the angel, you get to play in the nicest clubs, they give you free food and drinks, you get to take long breaks whenever you like, everybody applauds and appreciates your music, you get paid real well, you have the best sidemen in the history of music, and you get your pick of recording contracts. OK, says the musician, that sounds great, how can there be any bad news? Says the angel, "Well, you see, GOD has this GIRLFRIEND, and she thinks she can SING!".

Q: What's the difference between a musician and a pizza pie?
A: The pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: Why do musicians have to be awake by six o'clock?
A: Because most shops close by six thirty.

Q: What would a musician do if he won a million dollars?
A: Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.

Q: What does new age music sound like played backwards?
A: New age music.

Q: What do you get when you cross a music critic with a bowling ball?
A: A bowling ball that wouldn't know a good performance if it heard one.

Q: What was the last thing to go through Kurt Cobain's mind?
A: His teeth.

Q: What were Kurt Cobain's last words?
A: "Hole is really going to be big."

Q: What's the difference between a singer and a toilet?
A: A toilet doesn't follow you around after you use it.

Q: Why do boy bands travel so often?
A: Keeps assassins guessing.

Q: How do you get two piccolos to play in unison?
A: Shoot one.

Q: What's the range of a tuba?
A: Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!

Q: Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car?
A: It took two hours to get the drummer out.

Q: Know how to make a million dollars singing jazz?
A: Start with two million.

There's nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless of course it's the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner.

Q: What does it mean when a guitar player is drooling out both sides of his mouth?
A: The stage is level.

Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed?

Q: What has 100 arms and 100 legs but only eleven teeth?
A: The front row of any Willie Nelson concert.

A musician goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The
bartender says, 'dang, why are you drinking so fast?' The musician says, 'you would be drinking fast if
you had what I had.' The bartender says, 'what do you have?' The musician says, '75 cents.'

Q: What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
Answer: A drummer!

Q: How can you tell when there's a female vocalist knocking at your door?
A: She doesn't have the key and she doesn't know when to come in!

Q: What's the definitive term for men who hate women?
Answer: Misogynists.
Q: What's the definitive term for women who hate men?
Answer: Female singer/songwriters.

Great Lies of The Music Business:
The booking is definite
Your check's in the mail
We can fix it in the mix
This is the best dope you've ever had
The show starts at 8
My agent will take care of it
I'm sure it will work
Your tickets are at the door
It sounds in tune to me
Sure, it sounds fine at the back of the hall
I know your mic is on
I checked it myself
The roadie took care of it
She'll be backstage after the show
Yes, the spotlight was on you during your solo
The stage mix sounds just like the program mix
It's the hottest pickup I could get
The club will provide the PA and lights
I really love the band
We'll have it ready by tonight
We'll have lunch sometime
If it breaks, we'll fix it for free
We'll let you know
I had nothing to do with your marriage breaking up. It was on the rocks long before I ever met you
The place was packed
We'll have you back next week
Don't worry, you'll be the headliner
It's on the truck
My last band had a record deal, but we broke up before recording the album
Someone will be there early to let you in
I've only been playing for a year
I've been playing for 20 years
We'll have flyers printed tomorrow
I'm with the band
The band drinks free
You'll get your cut tonight
We'll supply someone for the door
You'll have no problem fitting that bass cabinet in the trunk of your car
There'll be lots of roadies when you get there
It's totally compatible with your current program
You'll have plenty of time for a soundcheck
This is one of Jimi's old Strats
We'll definitely come to the gig
You can depend on me

Q: How do you get a guitar player off of your front porch ?
A: Pay for the pizza.

Q: How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughn tune ?
A: Evidently all of them.

Q: What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common ?
A: Both suck when you plug them in

Q: What's a tuba for?
A: 2 feet by 4 feet.

Q: What does a drummer say when he gets to work?
"Would you like fries with that, sir?"

Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
A: Drool.

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They have machines to do that now.

"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about a half a beat behind the drummer."

Q: How can you tell when a drummer is at your door?
A: The knock gets faster.

Did you hear about the guitarist who bragged he could play 32nd notes?
The rest of the band didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one.

A 55 year old man who was born on May 5, has been married 5 years, has 5 children, makes $55,555.55
a year, who's lucky number is 5 receives a phone call from a friend. The friend informs the man
that a horse named Lucky 5 will be running in the fifth race at the local track that evening.
Excitedly, the man withdraws 5,555.00 cash from his bank account, goes to the races and bets on
Lucky 5. Sure enough the horse comes in fifth.

Current News \| Artist Tour Dates
5-Star Funnies
Jokes Unrelated to the Music Industry:
Medical Charts 1) Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities. 2) Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 3) On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared. 4) The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. 5) Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission. 6) Healthy-appearing decrepit, 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful. 7) The patient refused autopsy. 8) The patient has no previous history of suicides. 9) Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. 10) Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days. 11) She is numb from her toes down. 12) Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. 13) I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. 14) Skin: somewhat pale but present. 15) The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE IN THE YEAR 2002 WHEN: Your reason for not staying in touch with family is because they do not have an e-mail address. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home. Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen. You buy a computer and 3 months later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go get it. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave. You consider second day air delivery painfully slow. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored Post-it notes. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee. You wake up at 2 AM to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :-) You're reading this. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else.
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes! (read them out loud) 1) That¹s not right ............................... Sum Ting Wong 2) Are you Harboring a fugitive? ............ Hu Yu Hai Ding 3) See me ASAP ................................ Kum Hia Nao 4) Stupid Man ..................................... Dum Gai 5) Small Horse ................................... Tai Ni Po Ni 6) Did you go to the beach? .............. Wai Yu So Tan 7) I bumped into a coffee table ............. Ai Bang Mai Ni 8) I think you need a facelift ................. Chin Tu Fat 9) It¹s very dark in here ....................... Wao So Dim 10) I Thought you were on a diet ......... Wai Yu Mun Ching? 11) This is a tow away zone ................ No Pah King 12 ) Staying out of sight ..................... Lei Ying Lo 13) He¹s cleaning his automobile ........ Wa Shing Ka 14) Your body odor is offensive ............ Yu Stin Ki Pu 15) Great .......................................... Fa Kin Su Pah
*TV's New Fall Season*
NBC 8:00 Friends 8:30 Girlfriends 9:00 One Guy with Several Female Friends 9:30 My Gay Friends 10:00 Friends You Wish You Had But Don't FOX 8:00 Real Humans in Real Pain 8:30 Feral Dingoes Eating Children on Tape 9:00 Jiggle It Beach 9:30 LA Chicks 10:00 Beverly Hills 90210: The 90,210th Episode WB 8:00 Where My Wife At? 8:30 Gittin' Yo Freak On 9:00 Me & My Psychic 9:30 Kids Suck The Darndest Things 10:00 Dawson's Clothes UPN 8:00 The Unwatchables 8:30 Voyage To The Bottom Of The Ratings 9:00 Theoretically Existing Show 9:30 Praying For Syndication 10:00 The Last Thing You'd Ever Want To Sit Through PUBLIC ACCESS 8:00 Blurry Steve 8:30 Inaudible City Council Meeting 9:00 Do We Have A Caller On The Line? Hello? 9:30 The Best Of Lunch Menus 10:00 My Friend Made This Short Film 10:30 Men With Braids Speak Out E! 8:00 Andy Gibb: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills 8:30 John Belushi: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills 9:00 Margot Kidder: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills 9:30 River Phoenix: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills 10:00 Boy George: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills ESPN2 8:00 Finland's Brutalest Men 8:30 Being Hit By A Trolley Regional Semifinals 9:00 60 Minutes Of Joe Theismann's Leg Breaking 10:00 Coed Spread-Eagled Weight-Training From Maui LIFETIME 8:00 How Can I Choose Between My Daughters? 9:00 The Abused Wife Who Didn't Mean To Kill Her Policeman Husband in Self-Defense 10:00 The Boy Whose Mommy Watched Far Too Much Television TNN 8:00 Well, I'll Be Dipped in Pigturd! 8:30 Roadkill Recipe to Warm the Cockles of Your Heart 9:00 You Hush Up, Wanda Mae 9:30 Sheeeeeeee-ewt! 10:00 Hold 'Er Down While I Get the Rifle From the Truck TELEMUNDO 8:00 Roberto Amorosa en Agua Caliente! 9:00 Whoomp! Donde Esta? 9:30 Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooal! 10:00 Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai! 10:30 La Hora de Goya CINEMAX 8:00 Bare Ambition (Tanya Roberts) 8:30 Naked Exposition (Traci Lords) 9:00 Body Of Nudity (Dana Plato) 10:00 Unclothed Anguish (Joyce DeWitt)
Some Things You May Not Want to Say to a Police Officer:
Hey, you must've been doing' about 125mph (200km/h) to keep up with me! Good job! Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer. Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated? Hi Officer, Do you mind holding my beer while I find my driver's license? You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead "Bad Cop! No Donut!" I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around, that's how far I am behind the other cars. You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you? "Lets do it different this time... I will give you the breathalyzer test, now stick this in your mouth and blow" Didn't I see you get your but kicked on "COPS" last week on TV? Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend's bed. I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket So, uh, you "on the take", or what? Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too! Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does. So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you were little? Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum. When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile pretty for the video camcorder. Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
Actual Excuses Sent to Schools by Parents...
My son is under the doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. Please excuse Mary for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. Dear School: Please e xcuse John for being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and 33. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. John has been absent because he had 2 teeth taken off his face. Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side. Please excuse Tom for being absent yesterday. He has diarrhea and his boots leak. Please excuse John for being. It was his father's fault. Please excuse Jane. She had been sick and under the doctor. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend a funeral. Please excuse my son's tardiness. I forgot to wake him up and I didn't find him until I started making the beds. Please excuse Harriet from school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it on Monday, we thought it was Sunday. Please excuse Ray from school. He has very loose vowels.
*Feeling blue or insecure? Losing sight of what's important? Still searching for the real "you"?*
In this self-help age of soul-searching, daily affirmations have been known to do the trick. But you probably shouldn't try these ... I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault. I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal. Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment. I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more. I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all. Joan of Arc heard voices too. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain. When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying. All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts. I am at one with my duality. Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so." A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem. I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage. Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step -- blaming my parents. I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.
*The Top 20 Things You Hear In A Football Broadcast That Sound Dirty -- But Aren't*
20. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it. 19. He came at his blind side and got him from behind. 18. He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow. 17. It's a game of inches. 16. That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it. 15. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding. 14. He's gonna feel that one tomorrow. 13. He found his tight end. 12. End around. 11. He had to stretch to get it in. 10. He gets penetration in the backfield. 9. He blows them off (at the line) 8. He bangs it in. 7. He could go all the way. 6. He gets it off just in time. 5. He goes deep. 4. He found a hole and slid through it. 3. He pounds it in. 2. He beats them off (the line) 1. He's got great hands.
*Some Computer Virus You May Not Know About*
Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer. Ronald Reagan virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored. Mike Tyson virus: Quits after one byte. Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB. Lorena Bobbit virus: Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy. Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus: Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them. Ellen Degeneres virus: Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC. Titanic virus: Makes your whole computer go down. Disney virus: Everything in the computer goes Goofy. Prozac virus: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care. Sharon Stone virus: Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there. Tim Allen virus: Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact. HBO virus: Runs the same programs over and over, week after week after week. Woody Allen virus: Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card. NFL Blackout virus: Will only let you run progams on a remote terminal that's more than 75 miles away. Linda Tripp virus: Makes copies of your personal files and forwards them to the authorities. Bill Clinton virus: Won't let you query the system for information. Rush Limbaugh virus: Biases everything to the right. Ken Starr virus: Expands a focused search of a specific file into a global interregation of every existing file. Creates links between unrelated data..... Works extremely slow while searching and compiling results. Al Gore virus: Runs quietly in background mode but doesn't appear to really do much of anything. Saddam Hussein virus: Won't let you into any of your programs. Tonya Harding virus: Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons. George Michael virus: Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup. Joey Buttafuoco virus: Only attacks minor files. Jerry Seinfeld virus: Program about nothing that exits when you're really enjoying it. David Caruso NYPD Blue virus: After running successfully for a while, it exits the program it was in and never works again. Pee Wee Herman virus: Exposes your confidential files to everyone. X-files virus: All your Icons start shape shifting. Spice Girl virus: Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop. AT&T virus: Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting. Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back. Q: What did Cinderella say when she left the photo store? A:Someday my prints will come... Q:How did Captain Hook die? A:He wiped his bum with the wrong hand!! Q:What does Bob Dole and the Empire State building have in common? A: They both took 410 days to be erected. Upon dying, Bill Gates went to purgatory. St. Peter said to his, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go". So, Bill takes a look at hell and see's these beautiful women running around, in 80 degree temperature, on beautiful beaches. Then he took a look at heaven and it was nice, you know harps and singing and worship and stuff like that. So he said to St. Peter that he would like to go to hell. About a week later, St. Peter went down to hell to check on Bill. There he saw him, being whipped by demons. He said to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautiful women, and the beaches and the 80 degree temperature?" Peter replied, "That was just the screen saver." Q:What does Bill Clinton say to Hillary Clinton after having sex? A:I will be home in 20 minutes dear Q:What do Andrew Cunanan and Pee Wee Herman have in common? A:They both shot someone in the back of the head. A husband and wife are watching ''Who Wants To Be a Millionaire,'' and the husband winks and says, ''Honey, let's go upstairs...'' The wife says no, so the husband asks again. Again she says no. So the husband says, ''Is that your final answer?'' The wife says yes. The husband says, ''Well, can I phone a friend?''


Front row seats to Flyers game $145.00 Replica Hockey Jersey $225.00 Beers and Hot Dogs $22.00 Picture of you and your friend acting like a couple of FAGS in Sports Illustrated. PRICELESS



*Ever been this tired?...*



Good Deal on a Car for You 1985 Blue Volkswagen Golf Only 15 km Only first gear and reverse used Never driven hard Original tires Original brakes Original fuel and oil Only 1 driver Owner wishing to sell due to employment lay-off Photo Attached
5-Star Funnies
Jokes Related to the Music Industry:
LYRIC'S MISHEARD Song: Fire, Water, Burn Artist: Bloodhound Gang The real lyrics were: C'mon party people put your hands in the air C'mon party people wave em like you don't care But I misheard them as: C'mon party people, throw your hands in the air, C'mon party people, like your monkey don't care Song: Voices Carry Artist: Til Tuesday The real lyrics were: Hush hush, keep it down down Voices carry... But I misheard them as: Oh Josh, you've been downtown Was it scary? Song: Brilliant Disguise Artist: Bruce Springsteen The real lyrics were: Is that you baby, or just a brilliant disguise? But I misheard them as: Is that you baby, or just a bridge in disguise? Song: Oh Canada Artist: National anthems The real lyrics were: Oh Canada, we stand on guard for thee... But I misheard them as: Oh Canada, we stand on cars and freeze... Song: (You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman Artist: Aretha Franklin The real lyrics were: You make me feel like a natural woman... But I misheard them as: You make me feel like a man and a woman... Song: Day Tripper Artist: Beatles The real lyrics were: She was a day tripper... But I misheard them as: She was a gay stripper... Song: Aeroplane Artist: Red Hot Chili Peppers The real lyrics were: I like pleasure spiked with pain But I misheard them as: I must treasure Spike Lee's pain Song: Alive Artist: Pearl Jam The real lyrics were: I... I'm still alive But I misheard them as: I... I'm sterilized Song: Purple Haze Artist: Jimi Hendrix The real lyrics were: 'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky But I misheard them as: 'Scuse me, while I kiss this guy. Song: Champagne Supernova Artist: Oasis The real lyrics were: Slowly walking down the hall, faster than a cannon ball. But I misheard them as: Slowly walking down the hall, faster than a cannibal. Song: Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap Artist: AC/DC The real lyrics were: Dirty deeds and they're done dirt cheap But I misheard them as: Dirty deeds and they're done with sheep Song: Where It's At Artist: Beck The real lyrics were: I got two turntables... But I misheard them as: I got two term papers... Song: Mambo No. 5 Artist: Lou Bega The real lyrics were: ....a little bit of Rita is all I need... But I misheard them as: ....a little bit of weed is all I need... Song: Glycerine Artist: Bush The real lyrics were: Don't let the days pass by, glycerine. But I misheard them as: Don't let the germs fly high, Listerine. Song: Tubthumping Artist: Chumbawamba The real lyrics were: I get knocked down, but i get up again. But I misheard them as: I hate No Doubt, but i get over it. Song: Two Knights And Maidens Artist: Crash Test Dummies The real lyrics were: The maidens had other plans for the two knights But I misheard them as: The maidens had elephants for the two knights A blonde bought an a.m. radio and it took her a month to find out she could listen to it at night. Q:What were Michael Jackson's baby's first words? A: "Which one's Mommy?" A little boy goes up to his mom and asks, "Mommy, is God a boy or a girl?" The mother replies, "God is both a boy and a girl." The boy then says, "Mommy is God gay or straight?" The mom replies, "God is both gay and straight." The boy then asks, "Is god black or white?" She says, "God is both black and white." The boy thinks about all this for a moment and asks, "Is God Michael Jackson?" Q:What do you get when you cross P. Diddy with Kenny G.? A:An anurism. You're so stupid you thought Puff Daddy was a brand of cigarettes. The three remaining members of Pink Floyd get in a car wreck and all three die. They are standing in front of the Pearly Gates when St. Peter comes up and says, ''Oh, Hi guys! We've been expecting you. Your really going to love it here, this is a great place and did you know that we even have our own band? We have Elvis Presley singing, Hendrix is playing guitar, Sinatra is on piano and Roger Waters, your old bandmate, is writing lyrics for us!'' David Gilmour replies, ''Roger is here? When did he die?'' St. Peter leans over and whispers in his ear. ''It's really God, but he thinks he's Roger Waters!'' Q:What do you get when Dolly Parton does the backstroke? A:Islands In The Stream. Q:What dessert doesn't Puff Daddy/P. Diddy eat any more? A:Jello (j-Lo) Q: What's blond, has six legs, and sings like Michael Jackson? A: Hanson. Britney Spears had just bought her new car and decided to go shopping with her friend and rival, Christina Aguilera. A few hours later she came out and realizes she had locked her keys in the car, so they spent a few hours pacing around the car trying to figure out what to do. Finally, Britney looked off into the distance and saw storm cloud. She turned to her friend and said," Quick, think of something because a storm is coming and I left the top open!" Q:How many guitar players does it take to change a lightbulb? A:Two: One to change the lightbulb, the other to say, "I can do that." Q:How do you know if Dr. Dre has a high sperm count? A:Eminem has to chew before swallowing Q:What has more brains than Kurt Cobain? A:The wall behind him! Q: How many lead guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. The guitarist holds the bulb and the world revolves around him! Q:What is 200 feet long and has no pubic hair? A:The front row at an 'N Sync concert. Q:What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Casper? A:One is pale and scares kids and the other is a friendly ghost. Q:What's the difference between Mick Jagger and the friend of a lonely Scotsman? A:Mick Jagger says "Hey, you, get off of my cloud!" And the friend of a lonely Scotsman says "Hey, McLeod, get off my ewe!" Have you seen Ray Charles' wife? Neither has he! A musician dies and goes to Heaven. The admitting angel tells him he's really going to enjoy the afterlife, and he has some great news for him, but there's also a downside. He asks to hear the good news first. Well, says the angel, you get to play in the nicest clubs, they give you free food and drinks, you get to take long breaks whenever you like, everybody applauds and appreciates your music, you get paid real well, you have the best sidemen in the history of music, and you get your pick of recording contracts. OK, says the musician, that sounds great, how can there be any bad news? Says the angel, "Well, you see, GOD has this GIRLFRIEND, and she thinks she can SING!". Q: What's the difference between a musician and a pizza pie? A: The pizza can feed a family of four. Q: Why do musicians have to be awake by six o'clock? A: Because most shops close by six thirty. Q: What would a musician do if he won a million dollars? A: Continue to play gigs until the money ran out. Q: What does new age music sound like played backwards? A: New age music. Q: What do you get when you cross a music critic with a bowling ball? A: A bowling ball that wouldn't know a good performance if it heard one. Q: What was the last thing to go through Kurt Cobain's mind? A: His teeth. Q: What were Kurt Cobain's last words? A: "Hole is really going to be big." Q: What's the difference between a singer and a toilet? A: A toilet doesn't follow you around after you use it. Q: Why do boy bands travel so often? A: Keeps assassins guessing. Q: How do you get two piccolos to play in unison? A: Shoot one. Q: What's the range of a tuba? A: Twenty yards if you've got a good arm! Q: Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car? A: It took two hours to get the drummer out. Q: Know how to make a million dollars singing jazz? A: Start with two million. There's nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless of course it's the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner. Q: What does it mean when a guitar player is drooling out both sides of his mouth? A: The stage is level. Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed? Q: What has 100 arms and 100 legs but only eleven teeth? A: The front row of any Willie Nelson concert. A musician goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, 'dang, why are you drinking so fast?' The musician says, 'you would be drinking fast if you had what I had.' The bartender says, 'what do you have?' The musician says, '75 cents.' Q: What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians? Answer: A drummer! Q: How can you tell when there's a female vocalist knocking at your door? A: She doesn't have the key and she doesn't know when to come in! Q: What's the definitive term for men who hate women? Answer: Misogynists. Q: What's the definitive term for women who hate men? Answer: Female singer/songwriters. Great Lies of The Music Business: The booking is definite Your check's in the mail We can fix it in the mix This is the best dope you've ever had The show starts at 8 My agent will take care of it I'm sure it will work Your tickets are at the door It sounds in tune to me Sure, it sounds fine at the back of the hall I know your mic is on I checked it myself The roadie took care of it She'll be backstage after the show Yes, the spotlight was on you during your solo The stage mix sounds just like the program mix It's the hottest pickup I could get The club will provide the PA and lights I really love the band We'll have it ready by tonight We'll have lunch sometime If it breaks, we'll fix it for free We'll let you know I had nothing to do with your marriage breaking up. It was on the rocks long before I ever met you The place was packed We'll have you back next week Don't worry, you'll be the headliner It's on the truck My last band had a record deal, but we broke up before recording the album Someone will be there early to let you in I've only been playing for a year I've been playing for 20 years We'll have flyers printed tomorrow I'm with the band The band drinks free You'll get your cut tonight We'll supply someone for the door You'll have no problem fitting that bass cabinet in the trunk of your car There'll be lots of roadies when you get there It's totally compatible with your current program You'll have plenty of time for a soundcheck This is one of Jimi's old Strats We'll definitely come to the gig You can depend on me Q: How do you get a guitar player off of your front porch ? A: Pay for the pizza. Q: How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughn tune ? A: Evidently all of them. Q: What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common ? A: Both suck when you plug them in Q: What's a tuba for? A: 2 feet by 4 feet. Q: What does a drummer say when he gets to work? "Would you like fries with that, sir?" Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test? A: Drool. Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. They have machines to do that now. "Hey buddy, how late does the band play?" "Oh, about a half a beat behind the drummer." Q: How can you tell when a drummer is at your door? A: The knock gets faster. Did you hear about the guitarist who bragged he could play 32nd notes? The rest of the band didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one. A 55 year old man who was born on May 5, has been married 5 years, has 5 children, makes $55,555.55 a year, who's lucky number is 5 receives a phone call from a friend. The friend informs the man that a horse named Lucky 5 will be running in the fifth race at the local track that evening. Excitedly, the man withdraws 5,555.00 cash from his bank account, goes to the races and bets on Lucky 5. Sure enough the horse comes in fifth. Three men are killed in a tragic auto accident. As they approach St. Peter he asks each one of them the same question, "How high is your I.Q. The first replies "130". St. Peter says to him "Fine, fine, go back to Earth and be a chemical engineer". The second replies "125". St. Peter says to him "Fine, fine, go back to Earth and be a lawyer". The third replies "....'bout 80, I guess". St. Peter says to him "Fine, fine, ....uh, what brand of sticks do you use?"